Got a good joke? Post it here......

I'll get this started......


Two Ladies Talking in Heaven


1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

I know this is old....

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."

horse walks into a bar

barkeeper: Why the long face?

This one loses a little bit without voice inflection, but here goes....


What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

-"Hold my beer, watch this."

What is the last thing he hears?

-"Yer doin it man!!!"

I'm reading a book on the history of super glue. I can't put it down!

A Scottish couple go on vacation. They want to take a helicopter ride, but it's too expensive. So the helicopter pilot tells them he won't charge them for the ride as long as they don't scream. They take the deal and start the flight. The pilot does loops and rolls and crazy stunts. Nobody screams. When they land the pilot says "Well, I guess the ride is free. You didn't scream."

The husband shrugs and says "Well... I almost did when Jeanie fell out."

OK, this might be kinda old, but here goes.

A blond suspects here boyfriend of cheating on her and so she goes out and buys a gun. When she gets back to the apartment, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a beautiful brunet. Pulling out her gun she points it at her head, takes a breath, and prepares to shoot herself. Boyfriend: "DON"T -- -- Blond: "Shut up... your next!"

Question....Whats the hardest part about learning to roller blade?

Answer.... Telling your parents that you are gay.

How many workers do you need for assembling a Trabant?

Two: One folds, one glues.

When I pick up hitchkikers I like to say "How far did you think you were going?"

Put your seatbelt on, I want to try something.

I saw it once on Redline, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

Another time I picked up a hitchiker I asked him if I got tired would he drive? And he said no. I can't drive an automatic.

He asked me if I had ever fallen asleep driving. I said no, but I have woken up driving.





credit to Stephen Wright

you might be a redneck if the UFO hot line limits you to one call per day.

A blind man enters a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you

tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair given that you are blind - that you should know five things....

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional

weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Blonde jokes - hum?

2 blondes meet these days.
One says: gawd - just take care, x-mas is on a friday!
The other says, after quite some thinking: we can just hope its not a 13 th!

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

One for the linguists:

A lonely man is in a bar having a drink, when a beautiful woman takes a seat at the bar beside him. He turns to admire her and she looks at him. Suddenly her false eye pops out! The man reaches out and grabs the eye before it hits the floor. He gives it back to the woman. "Thank you so much" she says.

The man and the woman start talking, they have a few drinks, then go for dinner together. She invites him back to her place for coffee. "I thought I would be lonely and sad tonight. Then you walked in to my life" says the man. "How can I be so lucky?"

"Well" says the woman, "you just happened to catch my eye."